I turned 50. This is a big milestone for anyone. For me personally, it is everything. As a result of the programming I received from those I grew up with, as I approached being an adult, I assumed I would die by the time I was 30. This isn’t me being dramatic at 50. Me, and several of my friends believed wholeheartedly that we would die is some grand event before we were 30 years old (couple friends achieved). This belief didn’t originate from any single source, but was an aggregate of the bleak, scary, and fearful reality that I grew up in. leave me rolling over 50, a pretty proud moment for me. I made it. I survived.
This moment is all mine. I am sure I can find a few individuals to thank for helping me out, as well as find a few individuals who I could blame for not helping out, but ultimately I made it here because of my determination and belief that this life was worth living, and this beautiful world of ours was worth being a part of. I am really proud of myself. Despite all of the trouble in the world at any given moment, I am committed to continuing to live as long as I possibly can, and for to make this world better in any way that I can. I am love with who I have become, my one biological offspring I managed to bring into this world, my amazing wife and partner in crime, and my joyous Rottweiler best friend Poppy.
One of the greatest contributors to me thinking I would die before 30 was the bleak landscape painted by elders in my rural white community. From my early days I remember hearing stories of how the Russians were going to invade, that nuclear war was inevitable, and the our own government would be coming for us at any moment. When you are marinated in this from any early age, you believe it. Every knock on the door could be the government coming for your guns and the livelihood you have managed to scratch out. Looking back, I can’t help but think about what a prison this is. None of the events foretold ever came true, but most of these people I knew are still spinning the same old fearful yarns about financial and societal collapse, without any self-reflection regarding why these things have’t come to be, or the damage they are causing to young people in their orbit.
When you are a young man growing up in this reality, it can be hard to hold out any hope for the future. Why go to college when the world is going to end? Why have savings in the bank when the government will just take it? You learn to live in the moment, perpetually at your own expense. It becomes a reality that you can never see beyond. Everything out “there” is just dangerous and scary, and probably looking to just fuck you over. It took me a solid decade of being out of this reality, doing the hard work to unpack all of this baggage before I began seeing the light, having hope, and being able manifest positive outcomes in my life. With continued investment and storytelling, I am finding my way not just out of this reality, but putting it so far in my review mirror that I don’t even dwell there much.
I am married, live in the wonderfully diverse and vibrant Oakland, CA, have one grown child, make a very healthy six figure income, and operate at the top of my career field. I don’t own a house, but that is something I’ll fix very soon. I am extremely content. I don’t drink anymore. I exercise daily. I have lost 25 pounds in the last six months. I am healthy, happy, and despite the troubles in the world right now, I have a bright outlook on life. I still struggle with mental health, and Covid has taken its toll, but honestly it was the passing of my wife’s son Isaiah in 2020, and the recent processing and celebration of his passing this last month that has really set the stage for turning 50 with such a positive view of things. I feel like I am solid ground, and I find myself celebrating being alive and making it a half century on this amazing planet.
I am very troubled by much of what is happening in our nation right now. There is a lot of work to be done, and I will continue to actively work to stay aware of what is happening and do what I can, within my ability to influence the world in a positive way. However, I am also not going to let things which are out of my control dictate how I live my life. I can’t let all the terrifying things in the world leave me incapacitated or unable to believe that I have a future, or even worse, that my one child will not have a future. Isaiah found it impossible to believe that there could be a future with him in it, partly due to his father dying at age 12, but also because of the same bleak white supremacist rural fearful reality that I grew up in. Isaiah also found warmth in all of the conspiracy theories, guns, and dark views of government, corporations, and the world around us. It still bothers me that I could’t help Isaiah navigate his way out of all of this like I did, but I do find comfort knowing I spend over a decade simultaneously finding my way out of it, while also investing everything I had for him to find his way.
Isaiah has helped provide me with a powerful lens to look at myself. I first discovered this back in 2016 during our Drone Recovery period, but then I really began to understand the full scope of this during our hike this last month up Kerby Peak. I still question whether I was seeing Isaiah’s death or my own death all those years ago. I tend to have a knack for seeing the future, but almost never understand or have clarity regarding what I am seeing. Regardless, I am using Isiah’s life, along with Emanuel’s, and the pantheon of other soul’s I have lost over the last 50 years to reprogram my reality for the next 50 years. I had zero anxiety about turning 50. None. I am very proud of myself. I am very healthy and happy. I am stable. I am loved. Which in my opinion makes for an amazing foundation to build the next 50 years on. I am really looking forward to what is next, mostly because I understand the extend of my powers of manifestation, and I now fully get the frame of mind required to manifest a world of beauty as opposed to death and destruction.
