I love hate the recurring dances that occur in my head. I’ve experienced them enough now that I accept them for what they are, rather than letting them shape me. They are just isolated little dances that occur in the middle of the street of wherever I am headed. I’m heading to London tomorrow evening. Before any major trip my brain always responds with, “I don’t want to go”. And I don’t. Then my brain responds with, “you are speaking in front of an audience in London, and you’ll see a bunch of people who think you are smart.” Then I want to go. Then an hour or two later, “I don’t want to go”. Repeat. Repeat. Until I go.
Traveling is an important part of what I do. Except for a couple years where we lived on the road, I have always done this dance. It’s a dance born out of early fears of flying as well as imposter syndrome. I grew up small town and driving everywhere. A part of my brain is still this. This is the part of my original personality that would rather stay home. The earlier and more contemporary version of this. Part of me never wanted to leave my home town. It was comfortable. Part of me doesn’t want to leave New York City. I am comfortable. This is the ongoing soundtrack playing while I do this dance each time I have to go somewhere.
I love speaking. I love going to events where I see smart people who also think I am smart. I love having the means to travel to cities like London. I don’t mind air travel. Travel allows me to maintain my career. In the end there is no question in my mind that I should go. I entertain this dance like you would children. I can’t indulge these feelings. But I can’t ignore them. They are part of how I feel. Right there with the struggle to get out of bed each day. After all these years I find the dance slightly amusing. That it is still there, when I know better. Just one of many quirky aspects of being Kin that I tolerate. I really don’t have any anxiety from it, but I still go through all the emotions of what would happen if I just stayed home.
London is a lovely city. I wish Audrey and Poppy could come with me. That would significantly diminish my little dance. I wouldn’t say I am excited about going, but I am looking forward to seeing all the people I know, and meeting a few new people. I’m looking forward to riding the London Underground. I truly love this system. Like NYC, and Paris, I hold a special place in my heart for the London Underground. I like the old streets of London too. I’ve never been to APIDays London, and I am genuinely interested in going. I also would rather just stay home. I love our routine. I love, and will miss my girls. What a fascinating life I lead. So strange and wonderful. I feel pretty lucky to have all of this, even with the strange dances I do to get through the day.
