The week ended on a thick note. Audrey was sitting in her office and she caught what she said looked like a large bird flying by. It wasn’t a bird. It was a person. She texted me what just happened, and thank god, because of her poor eyesight, she couldn’t see details of this beautiful human being lying on the garden rooftop 30 floors below. I hesitated in writing this post and sharing this story, as it is a very dark one. However, this is my domain. My space. I won’t be sharing outside on any other platform, but here on my platform I talk about the difficult things I encounter each day. I want to pause for a moment for this human being who chose to leave this world, but also the numerous other people I love who have made the same choice.
Dave, Manny, Kaya, and Derek, I love and miss you all. I want to make it clear to anyone reading this, that if you are thinking about leaving this world, please reach out. Please. As the week closed I found myself thinking constantly about the last moments of the people I know and loved who chose to leave this world. I have never had suicidal thoughts, as I have made a strange and twisted commitment in my head to stay in this world after surviving my youth, but I emphasize deeply with those who do. I also understand that it is often a split second decision made in a single moment, and rarely something that you plan or would have time to call a suicide hotline. I don’t blame anyone who wants to check out of the painful hotel, and that specific moments can make living seem impossible, but what an opportunity we have with this life given to us. Our lives are a gift no matter how shitty the world can get, and how much pain we can be saddled with as a human being in this world.
I have to process this shit. I know suicide is hard to talk about for folks, but I’ve seen so much of it, I have to talk about it. At least here in my domain. I sure do not think I have the answers for others when it comes to how to persist, let alone thrive on this planet. I do not have the skills to talk you off the ledge. I do not carry a light bright enough to show you the way out of the darkness. I have struggled heavily throughout my life to find my own way forward, and find myself experiencing crippling anxiety as I begin or end my days. I’d say that telling people I know that I love them, and writing about the difficult things I encounter in the world here on my blog within my domain is the most strength I can muster. This week spun me. It’s got me thinking about Dave, Manny, Kaya, Derek, but also Isaiah. All those who have left this world recently. It is thick. Heavy. I needed several walks to help me deal with it.
I am thankful for Audrey, Poppy, Kaia, and all my friends and family. I am thankful for you. I am thankful we are sharing this moment. Audrey and I are still getting our bearings after losing Isaiah, and this week tested the foundation of our reality. I was writing in another story about how New York City is the human condition amplified, something which I love about it, but in weeks like this one, it is something that weighs on me. It makes my heart ache to think about it, but Audrey’s description of a big bird flying by has stuck with me as an image of a shoulder leaving this world. Whoever you were, know that you will forever be remembered by us, even though we never met. I hope you have found some peace. For those leaving the world I am going to stay around as long as I can, but just wanted to thank you for being part of this moment with me. I am thankful you were here. It isn’t easy living in this world, and we all reconcile with this in our ways.
