I am struggling lately. I made it through the kid passing, covid, and managed to quit drinking, lose a bunch of weight, and get healthier, only to be really, really struggling in this moment. I want to make sure and document this moment in the calendar, if nothing else just to be able to look back and remind myself of the ups and downs of being Kin Lane. I have a well-paid job, amazing team, and yet I am struggling with showing up to work and giving a shit. It has been about 3 weeks now, and while I seem to have gotten through the worst, I am really finding it challenging to show up for work each day.
I am four years into my job and it is the longest I’ve had a job in decades. I love my work. I love my team. I struggle with capitalism. I struggle with working at a fast-growing startup. I struggle with working in technology. I struggle just being Kin Lane. I wish I could put my finger on exactly what it is, but it is clearly approach burn-out levels. I’ve seen it before. I am working hard to find balance and step away from work on the weekend, but it can be challenging to leave it behind. The only way I can do it is to take long weekends and get out of the house and go somewhere in the RV. It is the only that stops the brain, heals the body, but sadly it doesn’t seem to be enough to get me through the week.
I hear a lot of folks are going through this right now. People from all over the world, from all industries, are just hitting the wall. Sadly, I think that business leadership doesn’t see this, or simply doesn’t care. Or maybe they are hitting their own kind of wall. I am at the top of my game, and I’d gladly take a massive pay cut to be able to work for myself again and switch back to the freelance or small business hustle. It seems so dumb. I am paid very well, but I am just not feeling the mojo. I have amazing work on the table, but I am just not feeling the mojo. I can’t help it is the result of some collective squeezing by the man right now that is leaving me in this state. I feel like we are all getting squeezed and despite my privileged position, I can’t help but emotionally feel solidarity with the rest of the tech workers and other industries being consumed by technology.
I can’t help but feel complicit. This is what I mean when I say that I spend my days reducing everything to a transaction, as I translate our very meaningful physical worlds into digital API transactions. I feel like I work for the “nothing”. You know that all-consuming presence from the Never-ending Story? I feel like I am complicit in sucking the life out of our world and not just moving it online, I am making it something that can be bought and sold. This is why I am struggling. I struggle with what I am doing to the world. What we are doing to the world. I just don’t think that the web is going to save us. I spend all day everyday online and make more money than I ever have, and I am sadder, more depressed, and questioning everything about my life. I am sure I’ll make my way through it, but damn, I am stuck in the swamps of sadness lately. Things are hard.