Kin Lane

Being Hard Done By

I have a phrase that I have used over the years to describe some people I’ve known in my world, which is all about a perpetual state of being “hard done by”. These are folks who always have a hard go at everything in their life, and see everyone as being out to get them. I’ve had moments of being hard done by in my life, but after intimately getting to know several very hard done by folks, I began to see these behaviors in myself which were keeping me sinking into this reality, and vowed to change. The most important characteristic of someone who is hard done by, is that this is something that this is all about the person in question, and less about the world at large–which if you ask a hard done by person, the opposite would be their truth.

Hard done by people rarely change or evolve, always retreating into a permanent defensive position. They do not allow themselves to be successful and prefer failing and losing because it is comfortable and known territory. You could hand positive change to a hard done by person on a platter with no strings attached and they would decline what you are offering, immediately being skeptical that this is a trick of some sort. Hard done by folks can find opportunities on their own and at some point will self sabotage to make sure that they stay in a hard done by state. Maintaining the pole position when it comes to being their worst enemy–making sure they blow things up before anyone else has the opportunity to step in and do it, because inevitably someone will.

The hard done by condition is often terminal, and rarely curable. The process to rebuild trust in ones self and in others is just too difficult. The insecurities run way to deep, and the learned self-sabotage behavior has been baked into the sub-conscious. Being hard done by has become a comfortable pair of old jeans and a favorite t-shirt riddled with holes. While there has been numerous people in the world who are out to get hard done by folks, the perception that everyone is out to get them has become the normal reality. The truth. Often keeping people who are truly out to get you close by because at least it is a familiar, or reciprocal form of exploitation that is less scary than the alternatives. Sticking with what you know, even if it keeps you down.

Hard done by is purely a self-induced reality that just gets re-enforced by a hard and uncaring world. I have found that the best way out of a hard done by reality is to begin by trusting yourself and your partner (hopefully you have one). The rest of the world is much more difficult to change. You are best working the hardest at identifying the ways in which you are your own worst enemy and pushing for change at the local level. Changing your home. Changing your financial state of mind. Changing who you let into your life and who you do not. The challenge here is that you have to constantly re-evaluate your behavior to ensure you aren’t self-sabotaging along the way. Which is all about striking a tough balance between not trusting yourself while also learning to trust yourself. In the end, it is up to you to change. Learning to be less hard done by, and letting yourself enjoy life and a obtain a little success.