Kin Lane

I Made It. I Am Here. Breathe. Relax.

In this crazy Trumpian coronavirus world we live in I have to pause for a moment and acknowledge that I made it. I am about to turn 48 years old and I have achieved everything I imagined in my head. While I acknowledging much of my success is the result of me being white and male in these times, I have to take a moment on this Fathers day to pat myself on the back. I am really good at riding my ass about everything around me on a daily basis, keeping myself in forward motion, but as I have gotten older I’ve recognized the importance of pausing and letting myself know that I am not just doing well, that I am achieving my dreams.

My head and heart is heavy right now because of the kid passing, the pandemic, and the fact that so many in our world don’t find themselves in as privileged of a position as I find myself in. Even with this weight I also have to take a breathe and hit pause on me pushing myself perpetually forward for just a few moments. As I said in my roundup of the last decade, I am proud of the person I have become. Despite a umber of challenges I have managed to continue to find my way forward, and reach a point in time where I am living my dream(s). My dreams were never big, but if you asked my younger self where I would be living, and what I would be doing when I am “grown up”—-this is it. Despite the generally apocalyptic outlook I was raised on in my youth, I still clung to little bits and pieces of many possible postive futures that I desired, my real life today is a aggregation of many of those little bits into a pretty positive present moment.

I am married, have just a single biological offspring I am blessed with, living where I would like to be living, and working in a fulfilling and rewarding career. Sure, I didn’t take the most sane and logical course to get here, but I am here. The California dream of my youth is a reality. I live in Oakland, CA. A town that I feel reflects the diverse, free, and equitable state of mind I envision for the community I live in. I also work for a successful company, doing the type of important work I enjoy doing. I have an amazing wife who is also successful in her own right, cooks me amazing meals, and engages with me regularly at an intellectual level I could only dream of when I was younger. My daughter is now also living with us during the pandemic while she is immersed in learning at her University. With all of that I am sitting here pretty pleased with myself.

I do not own anything, but I am also not in major debt for the first time in my life. I am not sure I want to go back to home ownership. I am still struggling with this one. I also know that I am much, much, much happier not owning an automobile. I am not convinced that ownership of things is a positive force in my life-—we will see, I may shift on this in my 50s. When it comes to my career I am working for a company I am proud to be contributing to, and working on projects that satisfy my intellectual curiosity, and push me to think about the world in different ways. Work that is always overflowing into the public sector, helping me work to influence policy at the city, state, federal, and international levels, as I try to make change. While I am not wealthy, I am comfortable for the first time in my life, well beyond the times I owned houses, automobiles, and possessed other burdens. I don’t have a lot of concerns in my daily life beyond the insanity of the current administration and his cult following.

I am pleased. I am content. I have found peace with numerous my past demons. I have a partner in crime I trust and believe in, and a child I enjoy watching grow up and figure out the world. I make a good living doing what I want to be doing. I am carving out more time to read books, as well as invest in my own writing. I am dabbling with several side projects that aren’t entrepreneurial, and lean more towards what I would consider to be creative activism. Anxiety still cripples me at times, but I am able to find balance more than I could at any other time in the last 30 years. I made it. I am here. Everything else I achieve after this point is just a bonus. I think I managed to do all of this backwards from the rest of society, in that I lived much of my life in crisis, and by the time I hit the mid-life point I am looking for some peace, balance, and stability. Don’t get me wrong, there are definitely some elements of my world that aren’t in balance, but most everything within my control are dialed in, and I am feeling pretty proud of myself. Thanks Kin.